i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
