Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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