fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
