so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
