All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
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