Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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