at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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