im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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