I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize