Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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