The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
