What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
