I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
nutella sex= disaster
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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