the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
The beers last night were like the tears from god
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
