My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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