My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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