I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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