the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
