Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
