I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Watching her eat just hurts me
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
