The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
