Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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