i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
