It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
