He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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