I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
