"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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