I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
pop tarts are not kleenex
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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