I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
