Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
i want to swaddle you in tequila
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
