the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
we're making bets on your personal life
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
