I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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