Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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