I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Randomize
