took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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