Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
