eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
