Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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