her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
