Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
