I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
be right there i have to get my cape
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
