Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
