Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
