I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
