I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I would ride that face into the sunset
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
