My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
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