He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
