we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize