you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
