FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
