Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
