did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
