We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
