Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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