Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
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