Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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